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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Reductio * absurdum

Local Man Denounces Pedestrian Footbridges

A self-styled walking and biking advocate spoke out today against construction of Bike/Pedestrian Bridges anywhere in the Universe.

The man, a Minneapolis resident who said he didn't like it when media failed to publish his name, said he preferred crosswalks.

"These overpasses are pie in the sky, whereas crosswalks are proven," he said. "Overpass proponents try to make them sound like a good thing by calling them footbridges!!! But really they are just bashing crosswalks!!! Overpasses are nothing more than gadget-crossings, people want their feet firmly on the ground with everyone else--if only because it's symbolically egalitarian!!! If lifeforms want to cross the street safely, we should wave in a friendly manner and ask motorists to yield!!! They are, after all, our friends, neighbors and fellow-citizens!!!"

"Building overpasses would be a mistake," he continued. "Rain and snow will drip off them onto people below, and people walking across will be able to see into bedroom windows!!! It's nothing more than a stalking horse for the pro-drip, cheap-thrills industry!!!"

Asked if he was aware that people have curtains on their windows, he fumed that footbridges are safety nightmares. "Drunks will throw up on them, and young people will use them as places to drink, or have sex!!! And are we going to call out the hook-and-ladder every time someone gets stuck up there?"

He also raised an aesthetic and environmental concern. "Just ask people if they want the trees on their street cut down for overpasses!!!"

The man said he would soon be releasing a definitive 'overpass report,' including illustrations showing what a footbridge would look like with the head of Sen. Michele Bachmann (R-Stillwater) Photoshopped onto it.

Like a bridge over troubled Ken Avidor

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