Following in the wake of the I-35W bridge collapse on August 1, a Minneapolis transportation expert has accused the culprit, gravity, of being a stalking horse for highway construction interests and PRT (Personal Rapid Transit).
"Gravity is a stalking horse for highway construction interests and PRT, " said the expert, who reminded reporters of his name about fifty times during a Saturday press conference. PRT is a transit technology that does not exist and is impossible, he said, and is being built in the gadgetbahn countries, England and Sweden.
"Because of gravity, the I-35 double-U bridge will have to be rebuilt for automobiles , and that takes money that could be better spent on light rail. Likewise, strengthening the Washington Avenue bridge also takes money that could be spent on light rail. This proves gravity is anti-light rail transit."
The expert then treated reporters to a delivery pizza, which arrived just as he groped for an analogy. "See this big gooey slice of three-cheese pepperoni-sausage? The crust is like the bridge. Because of gravity, the crust sags and all this cheese and meat drips off onto my pants," he said, wiping himself.
"Now I'll have to give money to the dry cleaners instead of tipping the pizza delivery driver, also proving my point," the expert said. "Not that she deserves a tip, she ought to have walked or taken light rail."
"I prefer my pizza cold, because cold cheese doesn't drip," he explained.
Update: See how a cartoonist responds to being mocked When will he retract his David Shove posts? 1, 2, 3
Will he apologize to moi? (8/6)
He achieves a new low (Weiner Watch, 8/7)
No tip for drivers
Ken Avidor is cheesy with a very thin crust