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Thursday, November 03, 2005

Finally, the experts take charge

Originally published at "PRT Is A Joke" IS A JOKE v.1
Words written with wildcards (***, !!!, etc.) was the way we originally wrote
Ken Avidor, Ken, and Avidor.

A message from the President of the United States.

My fellow 'mericans.

I come before you this eve'nin' to announce a major new in-I-tia-tive that will change the way your gov-er-mint does bidness.

Some have crit-i-sized our Administration for some of our appointments to policy and leadership pos-I-tions.

Without admittin' any MIS-steps, liability, criminal wrongdoin', high crime or MIS-demean-er, I want to assure the 'merican People that, as Prez'dint, I accept full responsibility for mistakes that were made by Michael Brown, Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, David Safavian, Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, John Bolton, Patrick Rhode, Brooks Altshuler, David Addington, Michael Chert-off, Harriet Miers, Julie Myers--well, I could go on all night.

It's in order to clean house and rebuild your trust in gov-er-mint that I announce the followin' reorganization of the highest levels of the Fed'ral gov-er-mint and the Cabinet. Startin' today, I am accepting the resignations of the Vice-Prez'dint, all appointed non-judicial Fed'ral officials and Cabinet members. Taking their places will be capable individg-als who I am selecting from a group long-underrepresented in gov-er-mint: professional cartoonists.

That's right. Cartoonists. Cartoonists have much exper-tise to offer our nation, and because they are so creative on a day-to-day basis, I know they will bring that crea-TIV-ity to the impordant job of gov-er-nance.

My first three appointments I will announce right now. For Secretary of State: Bruce Tinsley. Mr. Tinsley's Mallard Fillmore comic strip always makes me laugh. But he makes me think, too. An' that's what's impordant, because a mind- what a turrible thing it is, to waste- can't get fooled again.

For White House domestic policy advisor: Mr. *** ****** of Minneapolis, Minnehaha. He is a tireless champion of logic and common sense. He has been a staunch defender of mass transit projects in his home state of Minnehaha. Such projects are impordant sources of opportunities that help small, strugglin' businesses I care about, like Bechtel, Parsons Brinckerhoff, Ch2M Hill, Kiewit, Booz-Allen Hamilton, and Herzog Contracting.

For Secretary of Transportation: Andy Singer. He is a true artist, whose No Exit cartoon has given him the specialized technical knowledge that he can use to keep Americans moving. His skepticism toward Personal Rapid Transit, which is something I can't git my mind around, convinced me it is a lib'ral, radical enviro-mintalist scam. I have looked into his heart, and let me assure you he deserves this appointment. His critics say he hasn't done his homework, but that's what you would call an exagger-A-tion.

These have been difficult times. But I know that in the days ahead, I can count on 35% of you for support.

Thank you, and God bless 'merica and King Features Syndicate.

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